


Puck's List

by oddegg



Category: Glee
Genre: Crack, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-02
Updated: 2010-09-02
Packaged: 2017-10-12 02:47:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/119939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddegg/pseuds/oddegg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Puck is not allowed to...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Puck's List

**Author's Note:**

> So, I happened to stumble on 'Skippy's List' again and the cracky part of my brain seized on it and started re-writing them for Puck and I ended up making this. I need to stop following that part of my brain's orders…

  
**Puck’s List: The 50 things Puck is no longer allowed to do ANYWHERE. EVER.** **  
(As decreed by Kurt Hummel)  
**

1\. Not allowed to watch Southpark on my phone when I’m supposed to be rehearsing.

2\. My proper name is “Noah Puckerman” not “Puckzilla the Sex Shark”.

3\. Not allowed to threaten anyone with ‘that Jewish magic shit like Madonna’s into’

4\. Not allowed to challenge anyone’s disbelief of my ability to perform ‘Jewish magic shit’ by threatening to throat punch them.

5\. Not allowed to get a Mohawk ever again.

6\. Nor am I allowed to get lightning streaks shaved into the sides of my hair. And no, they would not make me ‘go faster’

7\. Not allowed to play “Fight Club” with ‘first blood wins’ rules with the local girl scout group.

8\. Not allowed to add “As predicted in the Torah” to the end of answers I give to Principal Figgins if I’m ever called to his office.

9\. Not allowed to photoshop pictures of Sue Sylvester, Vocal Adrenaline, Coach Tanaka or Rachel Berry onto ‘Wanted: for the crime of terminal suckiness’ posters and paste them all over school.

10\. When Mr Schue tells us to pick songs about nature, I am not to choose ‘Flower’ by Liz Phair. She was *not* singing about botany.

11\. Must stop shuffling round the Hummel carpets in nylon socks, building up static, then insist Finn calls me ‘Puck: Mighty God of Thunder’ and shocking him when he doesn’t.

12\. Must stop wearing nylon socks full stop. Kurt finds man-made fabrics disturbing.

13\. Not allowed to chew gum during rehearsal, unless I brought enough for everybody.

14\. Not allowed to chew gum during rehearsal even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

15\. When challenged to devise a song from published poetry or prose, Penthouse reader’s letters DO NOT count.

16\. Must not refer to Mr Schue as “Mom”.

17\. Must not refer to Coach Sylvester as “Dad”.

18\. Vodka, green food coloring, and Kurt’s “Cool Mint” Listerine® bottle are not a good combination and I will never get another blow job for the rest of my life if they get combined again.

19\. Glee performing “Hot Stuff” at school assembly is not an opportunity for me to emulate the people from “Full Monty”.

20\. I cannot trade Rachel Berry to other chorus groups.

21\. I am not allowed to pimp Rachel Berry out to that creepy Jewfro kid for delicious snacks. No, not even if I offer to share.

22\. May not use the Cheerio’s Xerox machine to run off multiple copies of *that* picture of Kurt to paper the changing room with and point out to the rest of the guys that *I* get to hit that and their homophobic asses *don’t*.

23\. The other guys in Glee are not interested in why I “just happen” to have leather chaps, an inflatable sheep, a milkmaid costume and an industrial tub of Vaseline in the back of my truck.

24\. “Being a huge rock star and fucking my boyfriend twice a day and three times on Sunday” is a bad answer to give when the school careers officer asks where I see myself in 10 years time.

25\. Cherry flavoured slushie is *not* a personal lubricant.

26\. If I boast once more about that thing I do with my tongue in public I will never get to do it to Kurt again.

27\. Sending picture of shemale penises to Karofsky’s phone is not funny and I should probably stop doing it at some point.

28\. I do not have super sex-powers that need ‘topping up’ in the janitors closet daily.

29\. ‘Shark Week’ is not an official Jewish holiday and I don’t get to stay off school for it.

30\. Using a stuffed toy to convince Brittany her cat is stalking her at school is mean and Kurt will not stop Santana killing me if I do it again.

31\. The following words and phrases may not be used in acapella improvisation: De-virginisation, fucked your mom and working on your dad, Japanese rope bondage, necrophilia means never having to say you’re sorry, glory-hole, nine inch will please a lady, I knew you’d be bad at the reach around, the football team can kiss my ass, frigging in the rigging, if you’re a dancer I’ve got a pole for you, felching, or any references to dolphins or glitter.

32\. Don’t switch Kurt’s morning coffee for decaf. (Even if he is cute when he’s all sleepy and confused.)

33\. When Rachel wails that she wants to die after losing a competition, offering her a length of hose and the use of my truck is not the correct response.

34\. When driving Kurt to school I may *not* attempt moves that “I’ve used in Grand Theft Auto”.

35\. Mr Schuester is not old enough to have auditioned for the Village People, and I should stop implying that he did.

36\. Even if I *do* make it look good, I am not allowed to wear a dress to school.

37\. The loudspeaker system at school is for official messages from the Principal *only* and I shouldn’t bribe the AV club nerds to broadcast that recording I made of Kurt calling me a sex god through it.

38\. When I find middle school students attempting to give a patriotic wedgie to Jewfro kid the correct response is ‘Don’t do that’ not ‘Don’t do it like that. Here, let me show you’

39\. If an idea makes me grin Like That – You Know The Grin I Mean, Noah Puckerman, then I am to assume I’m not allowed to do it.

40\. Must not borrow Mike Chang’s camera to video me and Kurt and ‘forget’ to wipe the memory card before giving it back.

41\. Should not suggest to Rachel Berry that she dresses up as a mailman in bed to help Finn with his ‘little problem’

42\. After the fake stomach ache has lost credibility, I should not swallow a whole bag of sherbet candy and claim I have rabies to get out of math class.

43\. No, the pants are not optional.

44\. Should not call Vocal Adrenaline immoral, untrustworthy, lying, backstabbing, slimy bastards from the competition stage, even if I’m right.

45\. The best way to ‘Funk Out’ competing teams before sectionals is not to ‘dance naked before them and awe them with the perfection of our fine asses’. No, not even if we wore Woad.

46\. Fire is not my pretty, crackly friend and it does not speak to me.

47\. Even though the toy I bought from that website Kurt showed me *is* very cool I am not allowed to bring it into Glee and explain its function in detail to Artie even if Tina *did* look interested.

48\. When challenged as to who is the bigger man by football players in the school corridors, I am not required to unzip and prove it.

49\. I am not allowed to suggest dance routines for Kurt in Glee rehearsal, nor point out that he’s proved his ‘lap dance’ skills are quite advanced.

50\. Although my desire to advertise how proud I am of my relationship with Kurt is admirable, if I ever ruin a pair of his jeans again by painting ‘Property of Puck’ on the seat of them he will stand aside and let Mercedes cut me like the bitch I am.

 **  
(Added to by Burt Hummel)**

1 – AKA: The Only Rule You’ll Ever Need, Punk. And Yes, I Do Know Your Name’s Actually Puck.

Not allowed to make Kurt unhappy, make him cry, break his heart or touch him anywhere other than the hands while his dad is around. Otherwise there are shotguns, tire irons, flamethrowers, a full set of golf clubs and a blender all with my name on them and a shovel and a piece of woodland already picked out for my burial.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's here! Some excellent extras and I've come up with some more as well, so have:

 **Puck's List Addendum! Bigger, Longer, and totally Cut! ('cos he's Jewish, of course he's cut...)**

\- Kurt Hummel-ism is not a recognized religion and I am not it's high priest.

\- No part of the Cheerios uniform is edible, and I don't need to correct that.

\- Not allowed to teach Brittany to say crude and offensive things in Hebrew, under the guise of teaching her useful phrases.

\- Not allowed to use the AV Club to operate a movie business out of the choir room.

\- Especially not pornographic movies.

\- Even if they are "musical pornos."

(All by the amazing [](http://nytegoddess.livejournal.com/profile)[**nytegoddess**](http://nytegoddess.livejournal.com/)  ! And yes, we all want to see those pornos now!)

\- No innuendoes in front of the children.

(Suggested by [](http://gleekadee.livejournal.com/profile)[**gleekadee**](http://gleekadee.livejournal.com/)   )

And some more from me:

\- 'Golden' is not always a good thing, especially when it comes to showers, and I need to remember how hard it is to get those kind of stains out of 500 thread count, Egyptian cotton.  
(inspired by [](http://sj-r.livejournal.com/profile)[**sj_r**](http://sj-r.livejournal.com/) )

\- Any sexual experience I tell others about is one that gets struck off the list of ones I will ever experience again  
(inspired by [](http://ice-whisper.livejournal.com/profile)[**ice_whisper**](http://ice-whisper.livejournal.com/) )

 - The phrase "Nobody saw me do it! You can't prove a thing!" is not actually persuasive of my innocence. Especially when I say it pre-emptively.  
(inspired by [](http://fictionalcandie.livejournal.com/profile)[**fictionalcandie**](http://fictionalcandie.livejournal.com/) )

 - I will remember that Mr Schuester *is* a Spanish teacher and therefore he understands those phrases Santana taught me and will not react well when I tell him 'metete un palo en el culo, hijo de puta'.  
(inspired by [](http://glamstarwee.livejournal.com/profile)[**glamstarwee**](http://glamstarwee.livejournal.com/) )

 - When we do finally win against Vocal Adrenaline, I will remember that victory dances don't usually contain explicit hand gestures. Nor do they have crotch grabbing moves accompanied by the verbal directive 'suck it!'  
(inspired by [](http://ontinia.livejournal.com/profile)[**ontinia**](http://ontinia.livejournal.com/) )

 

 

 


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